Positive parenting is a philosophy rooted in
connection. It isn’t just a method of discipline—but an entirely different way
of relating to children that allows us to maintain a strong bond with them
through the ages and stages of childhood while still raising kind and
responsible people.
Conventional parenting methods often pit
parent against child, as if we are adversaries in a never-ending struggle for
power and position. This naturally leads to disconnection between family
members and discontent in the home. Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be that way!
By using positive parenting in your home, you can maintain the deep connection
you are meant to have as you work with, not against, your child to guide him or
her along the journey to adulthood. With strong connection comes more
cooperation, and with that, more joy and peace in the family.
Many people question whether this is
permissive parenting, and the answer is absolutely not. Permissive parents do
not set and enforce limits; positive parents do. While I understand how
challenging it can be at first to learn how to enforce limits without resorting
to punishment, rest assured that an absence of punishment is not the same as an
absence of discipline. In fact, the very reason I do not punish my children is
because life’s messes cannot be fixed with a nose in the corner. Children will
take responsibility for their actions by making amends, righting wrongs,
solving the problems they create, and learning how to make better choices in
the future.
A child does learn self-discipline not by
sitting but by doing. Once the paradigm shift is made and you understand that
all discipline is simply teaching, it becomes easy to guide a child without
punishment.
How to use positive discipline with your
child:
It's often tempting to respond to misbehavior
with anger, aggression, shaming, and conventional means of punishment
(time-outs, spanking, and other techniques). But I believe there’s a better
approach—one that doesn’t diminish your child and one that makes the most of
the teaching opportunity that misbehavior presents us. Here are my three steps
to positive discipline.
Step 1:
Assess the need.
All behavior is an indication of the internal
state of the child. Misbehavior is a cue that there is an underlying need. When
we assess what that need is and address it, often the misbehavior vanishes.
This can be tricky with toddlers and preschoolers who cannot yet verbalize
their needs or intentions, but just understanding that the behavior is a call
for help rather than a calculated act of defiance of your authority can help
you be compassionate and responsive.
Sometimes the need is easy to determine, such
as hunger or tiredness, which can be cured with a meal or a nap. Other times,
the behavior is signaling the need for a new boundary or to learn a skill, or
possibly that there is something going on outside the home that your child is
having trouble dealing with. For example, a toddler who has discovered the joy
of jumping on the couch isn’t trying to misbehave. She’s playing. Even so, you
probably don’t want her to jump on the couch, but when you tell her to stop,
she doesn’t. This is signaling the need for a new boundary.
Another example is a school-age child who is
suddenly showing signs of aggression or displaying a disrespectful attitude after
school. Yes, the behavior must be corrected, but this is a clear sign that
something is amiss inside the child. Finding out what is motivating the
aggression or disrespect and helping her resolve the problem will end the bad
behavior.
Step 2:
Calm yourself first, then your child.
Undisciplined parents cannot effectively
discipline children, so calm yourself down first. Move from emotionally
reactive to cognitively responsive before you deal with the problem at hand.
Once calm yourself, help your child become
calm. The goal is to engage his upstairs brain so that he is no longer
emotionally reactive but able to reason. This could take two minutes or 20
minutes, depending on the child and her stage of development. Time-in—close
contact with you and soothing exercises such as reading and drawing—is helpful
to calm the brain. Some children may resist a time-in and prefer to be left
alone. If this works to calm them, that’s good. We don’t want to force
separation, as that can erode our connection, but giving a child the space he’s
asking for is respecting his needs.
You are ready to teach the lesson once your
child is showing receptiveness toward you again.
Step 3:
Teach and problem-solve.
For children under 4, problem solving is too
much to expect of them. The cognitive development to work through this process
hasn’t happened yet, though certainly the parent can talk through it as he or
she solves the problem, for modeling purposes. For young children, holding the
limit by removing the child from the situation or removing the object that is
being thrown, for example, is enough.
Teaching what the child can do is also
appropriate for very young children. “I won’t let you throw in the house, but
you can throw this ball in the yard.” “I won’t let you hit. You may stomp and
wiggle the angries out.” When your child is between roughly 4 and 6, you can
start teaching her how to problem-solve. Ask the following questions to get the
ball rolling:
- What
caused this to happen?
- How
did this make you feel?
- What
can you do the next time this happens?
- How
are you going to fix this?
Credit: mindbodygreen.com
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